Johnny six pack and the sparkly boys return. Sound like a bad movie from the 80s? Wrong. Its a bad movie from 2012. Now I know I’m not the target audience for the twilight movies, but jesus, bad is bad. First off they split a movie into two parts that had no business being more than one. I mean how do you take a movie in which nothing happens and make it two? How does a studio have the balls to say “Well, we know the teenie boppers and half drunkÂ soccerÂ moms are going to see whatever shit we pump out with these acting school rejects, why not prolong the sham as long as possible?” so thats what they did. The movie picks up where the last one left off, nowhere. The only difference is Bella is now a vampire. It takes her all of, oh, 5 minutes to become perfectlyÂ assimilatedÂ in being a super human immortal. Bella is played expertly my Kristen Stewart. Well expertly if the role called for a callous bitch with a borderline speech impediment and crazy “FatalÂ AttractionÂ eyes” that is. Or perhaps thats just art imitating life. Most of theÂ vampiresÂ just stand around brooding, so their acting musclesÂ never seem to get any flexing.Â PattinsonÂ just mopes around while his ageÂ inappropriateÂ wife continues to bitch and moan about whatever tickles her fancy. Then we have the wolf boy. At least they dropped the inner monologue bit that we see in the previous film. I mean, Taylor Lautner is a bad actor, but I didn’tÂ think he could be worse in voice over form. But I was wrong. This time though he is just his typical terrible self, half naked 90% of the time, much to the delight of 12 year old girls who should be learning anatomy from text books and not risque werewolf porn, and then proceeds with what can only be described as a Sandusky Romance. But all this wildlyÂ inappropriateÂ behavior aside, we come to a screeching halt when weÂ examineÂ the story. Stephanie Meyer cannot write. But thisÂ hasn’tÂ stopped her from becoming one of the most popular authors of all time. The story in this movie is all about the vampire governing body wanting to kill Bella’s baby. Her rapid aging, creepy as all hell,Â GollumÂ looking baby. Seriously, CG of this nature should be outlawed, it looked like a mix between a Damien from the Omen and a foot. Takes after her mother evidently. But, getting back on track, the Voltori, which is basically like the congress for vampires, except for the fact that they accomplish things, brings a whole army to a frozen lake where the other “good” vampires live and they have a discussion about killing the baby. Vampires are Pro-choice, very, very pro choice. Then a vampire that can show the future arrives and we see a battle that turns out to have never happened. They decide thatÂ fightingÂ isn’tÂ a good idea and everyone goes home. The End. WTF.
until next time