Lets start with the most pressing issue with this unbelievable bit of cinematic trash; Part 1. Now I know this is becoming a trend with studios, splitting up a movie into two parts. They tell us, the audience, that it so they can have more story and so fans don’t feel like they have been cheated out of the whole story. The idea is a nice one, but it isn’t the truth. They are out for our money, or at least they are in the case of Breaking Dawn. At the very least, 45 minute of this film is spent in unnecessary silent contemplation. Just people standing around looking at other people and thats it. The rest of the movie is people standing around and waiting, then talking about waiting, and finally reflecting on what they talked about. It was truly awful. On average, even when we are talking about a bad movie, which rest assured this is, one can usually find something tolerable or entertaining within the confines of the two hours.
Even movies we loathed, like Conan the Barbarian and The Three Musketeers, had some action sequences to distract us from the truly bad movie . Breaking Dawn couldn’t even give us that. Some vampires fight some terrible CG werewolves for all of maybe 2 minutes, until they walk away after some TALKING, and thats about it. But the thing that makes cringe the most, the one aspect of this film that propelled it into the annals of awfulness, was how unbelievably bad the acting was. Taylor “six pack” Lautner is the first person to come to mind. I mean I honestly thought he was joking at first when his part at the beginning of the movie started. He appears at the wedding in jeans and a t-shirt to talk to Bella,Â I didn’t think you could find a more wooden performer than Hayden Christensen in Star Wars Episode II-III. But, Lautner made Christensen seem as animated as Jim Carrey.Kristen Stewart, well what can be said, she has a perpetual sour face that is an instant turn off for any man with a pulse, so I guess its a good thing she prefers vampires. She spends half the movie complaining and the other half in a coma, the secondÂ being her most compelling performance to date, by far. None of the performers are any good at what they profess to be there profession. They should all get day jobs, because if there is any justice in the world they would be out on there sparkly asses before the weekend is out. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Hollywood will continue to churn out this drivel, and the masses will continue to be fooled into paying the ticket price – to the point where one of the worst films of the year grosses $138 million during its OPENING WEEKEND! All we here at the Cineverse can do is hope to warn you before its too late.
Conclusion:Â Don’t even consider wasting your internet bandwidth on streaming it!
Until next time…
See you at the theater!